Theatrical showing on May 28th

Psycho Chicks Anonymous will be playing at Cinematique of Daytona Beach (Florida) On Saturday, May 28th, at 10p.m.

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Psycho Chick of the Month

Persia was always particular. I knew that even before we began dating. Both of My best friends warned me. So did the mailman for my street. And now that I’m thinking about it, so did the lawn guy, and the pool guy, the cable guy who always serviced the divorcee across the street every second Tuesday, and that goth kid that hangs out around the smoothie shop around the corner from my housing development. Weird.

But I thought they were just exaggerating. Besides, when a woman looks like Persia, you’re willing to put up with a certain amount of eccentricities. To a point, anyway. Especially when she asks you for the first date.

I mean, it was okay that she complained about me leaving my used socks on the floor of my bedroom. And about leaving my car keys on the counter just inside my door. Cause, you know, she did buy that big, bright red bowl with the scroll work just for holding keys. She said she put it on my bar because it looked better across the room, where it was a “focal point.” But I just kept forgetting…well, till she froze my keys in a huge block of ice. Both sets.

I thought it was pretty nice of her, too, that she bought the big red leather couch for my living room. It was waiting for me when I got back from a business trip to Iowa. We’re trying to open a new chain of late night pancake houses in Iowa, so, you know, I have to spend a lot of time there. So then Persia was left alone a lot. She said it was okay, though, because it gave her more time to make my house better, without me around to interfere with the process. I didn’t even know my house needed any processes. Apparently processes require a lot of red, too.

After I got back from my third Iowa trip, all of my living room furniture had been replaced with red leather furniture. Well, except for my recliner. I’d insisted after the second trip that she had to leave it in my house. So she had it covered with a velvet purple spotted leopard print cover.

She picked on other things, too, like my tendency to drink beer right from a bottle, without a glass. And my insistence that I didn’t need a new car, because mine was paid for, the A/C and radio still worked, and the seat was worn into just the right shape for my butt. So what if it’s an older model, factory white compact car?

But the final thing…yeah, that morning we had the fight about the toilet. She’d told me on our very first date that her biggest pet peeve was guys leaving the toilet seat up. So I went to great pains from the first day to make sure I always left it down, even if she wasn’t coming over. I didn’t want to slip up, or have her drop by unexpectedly and find it up.

I was so tired when I got home from that fourth Iowa trip. I mean, it was 9 days of non-stop work. I don’t think I slept more than 24 hours, total, over the week and a half I was gone, and was just glad my trip got cut short so I could come home early.. So I forgot to put the seat back down before I went to sleep that first night back. Persia wasn’t at my house, so it shouldn’t have mattered, but…she came over with the interior designer she’d hired while I was in Iowa, to get a quote on gutting and redesigning my kitchen. She said it was to surprise me when I got back from the fifth trip. I sure would’ve been surprised if my kitchen was gone.

But it never got that far.

She came into the bedroom, saw me in the bed, and woke me up, rushing me into the bathroom to get presentable for my “guest.” And that’s when she saw it. And she lost it. Flipped her lid. Then she chipped one of her nails, slamming the seat down. She made me leave, so she could pull herself together. I went to the closest pancake place, and when I got back home, she’d left. She’d also gotten someone to come get all the red furniture. But she left me my purple leopard print recliner, at least. And the broken red fingernail.

I was too tired to fight. I figured I’d call her, later…or maybe not. I thought maybe I’d gotten lucky I still had my chair and my kitchen. So I went back to bed.

I was woken up by a loud crashing sound.

I ran to the front of my house, and when I looked to where my car was parked – on the side of the house, under a tree, so it wasn’t where it would obstruct the view of the garden Persia had planted when I was on a weekend trip, 3 days after our first date.

That’s when I saw the toilet.

And my car.



Harris Ford, Peoria, Illinois